We live in a sex-saturated society. Hollywood glamorizes sex but distorts God’s design for sexual intimacy. When we combine this distortion with our own discomfort in discussing it, we perpetuate dysfunction. We ponder, sexual…intimacy? The two terms seem incompatible.

Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure…”

Being raised in a family where every abuse was present, my views on sexual intimacy were extremely skewed. I carried deep emotional scars. Unfortunately, my experience with men horribly distorted God’s design for sexual intimacy within marriage. Practically every man I dated validated an improper view of what a pure relationship was supposed to look and feel like. I carried many false beliefs and preconceived notions into my marriage. I always met the physical requirement of sex but starved my husband from the emotional and spiritual connection.

After much prayer, God tore down my built up walls and healed my past hurts. He helped me be vulnerable with my husband.

As we journey to discover true sexual intimacy within marriage, remember sex is an outward expression of the inner-relationship you share with your spouse. Our sexual intimacy reveals the overall health in our relationships—if the other areas of our marriage are healthy, our sex life will be too; and if the other areas of our relationship are not healthy then our sexual expression won’t be either. So how do you obtain a healthy sexual relationship with your spouse?

Here are ten steps to foster intimacy with your spouse:

1. Pray and read the Word with your spouse each night before you go to bed. Connecting spiritually promotes physical intimacy. When we share our thoughts and dreams together with God we become one, causing us to desire one another physically.

2. Set a time aside to discuss areas of your relationship. Be honest, but sensitive. Fine out how you can please your spouse. Ask what makes them feel good. As long as their desire doesn’t violate the Word of God or his design, pleasure is okay—you’re married.

3. Pray about fatigue or tiredness. Ask God to help you be eager to share physical intimacy with your spouse.

4. Be proactive. Touch stimulates intimacy. Touching your spouse affectionately; express compliments to them throughout the day, and don’t turn off your affection when the lights go out.

5. Put away the romance novels and shut off the soap operas. Most of these forms of entertainment promote infidelity and portray unrealistic expectations, distorting the marriage bed.

6. Prepare your mind throughout the day. Start positive talk to promote a healthy outlook toward your sexual relationship.

Sex is a holy act not a dirty one. Ask God to change any of your distorted views.

7. Take time to date. Sharing time together outside your job responsibilities and family tasks is necessary for any marriage. Find common interests and spend quality time taking.

8. Pretend it’s your wedding night together. Remember when you first fell in love. Remember the passion. Ask God to reignite the fire.

9. Keep the lights on. This is primarily for us ladies. Most men are stimulated through sight. Don’t deprive them from looking at the only woman’s body God granted them to look at.

10. Play. Have fun. Initiate. And talk about it. Don’t pervert intimacy; rather deepen your intimacy by flirting with your spouse. Light some candles and put on some soft music.

Remember—God is your help and your healer. He will restore what the enemy tried to destroy. Sexual intimacy can be a reality for your marriage. For more insights, pick up a copy of What I Wish My Mother Had Told Me About Marriage: Unlocking 10 Secrets to a Thriving Marriage and read it together.



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